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Sorry, I asked
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Sorry, I asked

It is customary to ask others for forgiveness on Yom Kippur, for as it is written in the Mishna, “For sins between a man and his fellow, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases his fellow.”

Of course, there are right ways and wrong ways to go about this. See if you can spot the mistakes in these classic apology scenarios.

• The Non-Apologist

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I wanted to say I’m sorry that you think I offended you.”
“But you did offend me. You called me a troll and a whiner and laughed at my outfit.”
“Well, let’s call it even then. See you in shul?”

• The Revealer

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I wanted to apologize for wrecking your chances with Lisa by telling her about your first marriage. I’m really sorry.”
“You did what?”
“No, really, I feel just awful about it. You had gone into the kitchen for a drink and she asked me to pass the chips and I told her about you and Marissa. Really, my bad.”
Holy…my gosh. I’m going to need some time to process this.”
“Sure, take your time. But Yom Kippur is Tuesday, so if you could, you know, get back to me….”

• The Fisher

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I wanted to apologize for not being a better friend.”
“What do you mean? You’re a great friend.”
“No, c’mon. I’m no — wait, really? Am I really a great friend?”
“Sure you are. You listen when I’m down, you’re always up for a video game, you’re always kidding me.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. And what about handsome? Am I a handsome friend?”

• The Social Revealer

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I wanted to apologize for all the things we were saying about you on Saturday night.”
“Saturday night? But I wasn’t with you on Saturday night.”
“Exactly. It was just me and Jeff and the Klein twins, and your name came up and pretty soon we were talking about your mole and your action figure collection and the way your voice gets all squeaky whenever you talk to a woman….”
Holy…my gosh! You said this in front of the Klein twins?”
“Well, it wasn’t just me. The Klein twins said a few things too. But like I said, I really hope you can forgive me.”
“I, uh, I’ve got to go.”
“Can I take that as a yes?”

• The Resurrectionist

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I really want to apologize for basically dropping you freshman year. It was a lousy thing to do.”
“C’mon, man. That’s ancient history.”
“Maybe to you, but not to me. I mean, we practically grew up together, and here I was running around to parties with Jeff, and meeting all kinds of girls, and you basically never left the dorm room…”
“No, really — it’s all right. That was a long….”
“…and I think it basically established a pattern, you know? Like, even though we’re in business together it’s me who hangs out at the clubs and the Hamptons and stuff and you’re usually at home working and playing with your action figures, and I’m really sorry and want to know if you can forgive me, Jack. Jack?”

• The Confessor

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I wanted to apologize for diverting profits from our business to pay for my liquor and hotel bills. I’m sorry.”
“Wait, you’re sorry? Why didn’t you say something when they convicted Jeff?”
“Yeah — actually, he was my next call.”

• The Turner-Arounder

“Hello Jack? It’s Josh.”
“Hi Josh. What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I’m sorry I made you hit me the other night. I was being obnoxious, and I shouldn’t have said what I said about your mother.”
“Are you kidding, man? I was drunk and I overreacted. I mean really, if anyone should apologize it’s me. You were just goofing, and I cold-cocked you.”
“Oh hey, Jack? I think your cell is breaking up. Can you repeat that?” [Hands phone to police officer.]

• The Visitor

“Hello, Jack.”
“What’s up?”
“It’s almost Yom Kippur, and I’m sorry to see you here, I really am. How’s the food? Do you get exercise? Do you get along with your cellmate?”
“I’ll kill you! When I get out of here I’ll kill you!” [Flings himself at glass partition.]
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Jack. Truly sorry.”

 

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