Kahanists Pledge To ‘Make Israel Hate Again’
Leaders say they’ve been promised ministries of racism and fake news
Jerusalem — Members of Otzma Yehudit, which supports the views of Meir Kahane, held a press conference here today to announce a change in the party’s name to Thugs ‘R Us and share its vision for a violent future.
“We want to be clear about who we are and what we stand for,” said Moishe “The Masher” Moskowitz, thug-in-chief, holding an Uzi, two knives, and three grenades. He expressed disappointment with Prime Minister Netanyahu for declining to appear at the press conference and nixing the party’s planned campaign slogan, “We Love Bibi.”
“What’s the PM embarrassed about?” yelled Deputy Thug-In-Chief Lenny “Lay ‘em Down” Leibowitz. “He was so shmoozy when he promised me a post in the next coalition as Minister of Bias, Racism, and Tooth Decay.”
(Cabinet ministries are often combined in unlikely ways, like “Culture and Sports”; candidates with no previous experience in the field are generally favored.)
“Our slogan will be ‘Make Israel Hate Again,’ invoking “a kind of a retro-mood to remind everyone of the good old days when the JDL was beating people up,” said Moskowitz, who will become Minister of Fake News, a highly coveted slot in the planned coalition. Until now Prime Minister Netanyahu has filled that post along with heading the ministries of defense, public relations, diaspora antagonism, and the combined ministry of White House-and-Chief Rabbis brown-nosing.
The Thugs said they will join any coalition as long as it does not include non-Jews, Jews with dark skin, blue eyes, pluralists, muralists, college graduates, or proponents of peace.
“If you’re not like us, you won’t like us,” Moskowitz promised.
“We plan to take over the government once we’re in and solve the Arab problem once and for all,” Leibowitz asserted. He would not divulge details but said “it won’t be a one-state or two-state solution. It’ll be more like a state of emergency,” he laughed. In an expansive mood, he added: “We are so grateful for the Religious Zionists, who discarded their cherished values, to partner with us, and for the prime minister, who worked his magic behind the scenes to make this all possible.”
“We had our doubts about him in the past,” Moskowitz said, “but we’re fortunate that we got to know the real Bibi.”