NETANYAHU APPOINTS NIKKI HALEY ‘QUEEN OF ISRAEL’
PM dismisses fact that his new running mate is neither Jewish nor a citizen of the Jewish state. “Laws are made to be broken,” he explained.
PUTIN NOMINATES TRUMP FOR NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
“The president is making the world unsafe again,” says Russian leader, “and I am in his debt.”
ADMISSIONS SCANDAL AT CHAREDI YESHIVAS
Wealthy parents of spoiled students paying large sums to apply; “We want to be sure our son won’t be burdened with taking any secular subjects,” one father explains.
BIPARTISANSHIP IN 2019:
Democrats call for free health care; Republicans oppose free speech. Republicans support Bibi; Democrats change the subject.
KUSHNER MIDEAST PEACE PLAN TO REMAIN A SECRET
Son-in-law-in-chief plans to visit Mideast capitals discussing The Emperor’s New Plan until someone notices there isn’t one.
ACRONYMS ALL THE RAGE (LOL)
AOC and MBS support BDS, blast ADL and ZOA on CNN
TRUMP REVISES BIBLE
President Trump has issued revised copies of the Bible to be kept in the White House library, omitting mention of Jacob’s vision of angels on a ladder and Joseph’s interpretation of Pharaoh’s dreams. “Dreamers have no place in America,” the president scoffed, “and surely not in my house.”
RUTH BADER GINSBURG MOST PRAYED-FOR PERSON IN JEWISH WORLD
Psalms and petitions for her health recited by millions; Joe Biden placed second in the competition, Israel’s Chief Rabbis finished last.
MORE REJECTION FOR ‘BREXIT’
Word beats out “moshpit” in voting for Most Unappealing English Word That Sounds Yiddish; ‘intersectionality’ takes prize for Overall Most Confusing.
BIBI SHUTS DOWN KOTEL UNTIL HE IS RE-ELECTED
“If Trump can shut down his government to build a wall, I can shut down the Wall to build my government,” PM asserts.
‘VARIETY’ HEADLINES SUM UP U.S. POLITICS
“Beto Bettin’ On Biden Bidin’ His Time”; “Trump Trusts Truth Not An Issue”; “Mueller Mulls Making Major Mischief”
REB SHULEM SHTISEL ENTERS RACE FOR PRIME MINISTER
TV hero aims for charedi votes, pledges to make Yiddish official language of Israel … and smoking mandatory; campaign slogan praises Creator – “Chasdei HaShem.”
GENESIS PRIZE LOOKING AHEAD TO NEXT YEAR
“We’re on a roll,” committee chair says after choices of Natalie Portman and Robert Kraft. Former N.Y. Rep. Anthony Weiner will be cited in 2020 for “sharing his best attributes.”
OBAMA SEEKS TRUMP’S SCHOOL REPORT CARDS
Former president convinced Trump had dearth of education; “Just listen to the man,” he says, launching “dearther” movement.
KAVANAUGH DISAPPOINTED IN HIGH COURT POST
“Maybe I should have studied the lingo around here,” the newest appointee complained to Fox News. “Who knew ‘holding a case’ meant ‘pending disposition’? I thought it was ‘time for a keg party.’ Did I ever mention that I like beer?”