Washington, D.C. — In advance of`the 49 days between Passover and Shavuot, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Gaza) has announced plans to mark the period, also known as The Seven Tweets, with a fresh volley of her signature method of communication: anti-Israel screeds followed by abject apologies—followed by renewed screeds.
Wearing a T-shirt that read “RANT, RECANT, REPEAT,”she explained:
“It’s an old tradition in the history of my people in the Middle East to make vile charges against Jews and then say we were misunderstood, and then do it all again. We call it diplomacy. And I am proud to introduce it to the hallowed halls of Congress.”
Omar said her privately financed polling, commissioned by H&H Marketing, shows that the people of Minnesota care far more about the BDS movement and the wording of “Hatikvah” than health care, education and the economy at home.
However, the New Jersey Jewish Fake News obtained a copy of the survey and discovered that H&H stands for Hamas and Hezbollah and that 83 percent of those polled in Minneapolis and St. Paul defined BDS as “the company that makes men’s underwear,” and 92 percent described Hatikvah as “that sweet Middle East confection that often comes in cylindrical slabs.”
Asked for comment, Omar wrote to the New Jersey Jewish Fake News: “I am mortified, humbled and humiliated to learn that the information I have distributed to the nation is completely false and inaccurate, and I promise never to make such a reprehensible and unforgiveable mistake again, as you are my witness. Please find it in your hearts to forgive me.”
Within minutes, though, Omar renounced the statement as “a major typo” and said that what she meant to write was that “world Jewry is responsible for most of the bad things that have ever happened.”
She added that her previous statements about “it’s all about the Benjamins, baby” and accusing American Jews of dual loyalty were also the result of errant typing on her computer.
“I was referring to ‘Private Benjamin,’ my favorite Goldie Hawn movie, and ‘duel’ loyalty was from a term paper I wrote about the thing with Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton — isn’t he on $10 bills? — in high school. Honest.”
Moments later, J Streak, which describes itself as the “pro-peace and sorta pro-Israel” lobby, responded with a statement of support for Omar. “We are inclined to believe her, at times, and plan to lobby for her … to take typing lessons.”