Auld lang rhyme, 2015

Auld lang rhyme, 2015

Well, that year is over, and thank goodness too,
And I don’t just say that because I’m a Jew.
Between global warming and each ISIS assault 
Let those of all faiths join in our gevalt.

Gevalt for the state of the Republican race,
Led by a lout who lacks even a trace
Of respect for the truth, and turns the debates
Into celebrity roasts of all that he hates, 

Leaving his rivals, from Christie to Bush,
Trying to figure out how far to push
Back at the Donald and not lose the states
They’ll need when the Trump balloon fin’ly deflates.

Meanwhile the Democrats held their own tourney
Between Mrs. Clinton and a lefty named Bernie
Who often seemed less like a polished debater
Than the prickly old uncle who shows up at seder. 

Oy vay for the way that American Jews
Turned on each other when they had to choose
Between backing Obama’s nuclear pact
Or siding with Bibi, who thought that it lacked

The minimum needed to halt the production
Of nukes by the kooks seeking Israel’s destruction.
Let’s hope that the deal delivers the goods
Although somehow I feel we’re not out of the woods.

A slow motion uprising by auto and knife
Put every Israeli in fear for his life,
Made worse by the constant media blabber
That failed to distinguish ’tween victim and stabber.

Yet for all of the talk of a new Intifada
Thousands of olim said that they’d rather
At least give themselves a good fighting chance
By moving to Israel and forsaking France. 

In two thousand fifteen we bid a farewell
To Bob Simon, Bess Myerson, Theo Bikel.
We lost Leonard Nimoy, who charmed us as Spock,
And Oliver Sacks, an illustrious doc.

Jon Stewart’s alive, but still we were low
When he quit as host of The Daily Show 
Just when his targets seemed so ripe and abundant 
(or perhaps he knows satire is somehow redundant?).

The year that just passed wasn’t only a mess.
Howard Stern took a turn to lambaste BDS.
And after a spat between their two nations,
Israel and Turkey restored their relations. 

#LoveWon after judges okayed same-sex marriage.
Good people fought back against those who’d disparage
The Muslims who live here and those fleeing war 
(After all it was us who went through that before).

David Blatt nearly led the Cavs past Golden State.
Catholics and Jews recalled ‘Nostra Aetate.’
And no one expected Spain’s act of contrition
When it offered atonement for the Inquisition.

The new Fiddler, said critics, was fresh and fantastic.
And a study said Hitler was monorchidastic.
(I’d define that for you, but I’d be berated:
This column, you see, is always G-rated.)

So enjoy a gut yohr, however you daven,
(I tried that in Yiddish, of which I’m no maven.
I take lessons from Trump — and here, I will show ya:)
Schlong, everyone — it’s been good to know ya!”


The views expressed in this column are those of the author.

read more: